|
Drauka
|
 |
« on: November 13, 2003, 02:36:05 AM » |
|
A guy bumps into me and then the bird flied.
"I'll kill you," the angry bull necked man cried.
I start walking out and quickly I replied.
"So you wanna fight, O.K., meet me outside."
I drop my fists, and say "Put me in my place.
Because I want to feel the blood trickle down my face.
I hope your fist feels like I'm getting hit with a mace.
Or my time, like this fight, will just be a waste."
Of course his arm swings and I'm lifted from my feet.
The back of my head and the concrete meet.
I pull myself up from the cold hard street.
And the embers of my anger slowly begin to heat.
Slowly, but surely, I begin to get pissed,
I pull out my knife and I slice through my wrist.
My blood is so heated it leaves my body as a mist.
I throw my knife to the ground and come at him with a fist.
My blood leaves my body, and I become numb.
As I pound through his face it reminds me of gum.
Despite the fact that my hand is broke some,
I keep jacking your face like I'm filled with rum.
His friends pull me off, but by then it is too late.
Maybe next time he'll talk it out calmy and wait
'fore unleashing his anger; in-turn someones hate,
He's in intensive care, I bandage my wrist, anit it great?
|
|
|
|
« Last Edit: November 16, 2003, 11:29:23 PM by Drauka »
|
Logged
|
Signature:
I am;
A Labourless Peasant, (Damning, Rambling, Aspiring, Unenlightening, King of Anything)
A Masked Faceless, (Diabolical Reliable Assassin of the Underworld, Knowledgeable in the mimickable Arts.)
A Soldier of Sand, Deplorable and Dutiful. Rugged yet Refined. United, and Undeniable. Austere yet Amendable. Kind, and Kingly. Arduous yet Amiable.
A General of the Fallen Legion, (I led my forces into the Deep, we Ran to Assault the Undefeated Keep. Admirably my men crashed like a wave to a ship. the ground shook with our marching and caused me to slip. I fell and later I began to wake. the ground again began to shake, but this time every one fell... Into the Lord’s precipice of hell, here I am damned to forever fall into the abyss.)
A King of the Fallen Nation, (Death stalks his murky streets. Rats run rampant to their Abundant feasts. The Undead stalk the boarders at night. the King, though fallen, has yet to be defeated in a fight. No nation dares intrude upon the unrelenting king. For they fear the horrors his merciless wrath would bring. People fear to leave his nation, and also to Arrive. But his people are just as relentless and resialiant, they strive to survive.) “The Nation of Steel Will Never Yield.”
An Emperor [span style=\'color:green\']of the Anarchists, (Dispiteous Reaper of Atrocion, Underestimated Kaiser of Ambition)
A God [span style=\'color:green\']of the Faithless[/span], (Defiance, I will never allow. Reliance, I will never allow. Assurance, I will never give. Understanding, I will never give. Killing I will never explain. Always basking, in paradox.)
I am: The Dead, The Underworld, and Death.
I am... Drauka.
[/span]
-Remorse for there is naught left to remorse for.
-We are the metaphorical whores of a new generaltion.
-Again metaphors that means people sit silent and still.
-Ah, this life is just my chessboard, and you are just my pawn.
-Feel the fucking fire rise, up and above and past your eyes.
Jason H. Fredricks'
|
|
|
|
SS
|
|
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2003, 07:20:55 PM » |
|
I liked it up until the last two verses. Constructive criticism, so please don't be insulted or anything: My blood leaves my body, and I become numb.
As I pound through his face it reminds me of chewd gum. 'chewd' doesn't seem to be necessary? It adds an extra two syllables which ruin the flow, and gum is gum is gum, everyone knows the consistancy of it. Despite the fact that my hand is broke some,
I keep jacking your face like I'm filled with rum. I don't like the way that stats with 'Despite' - it's just wrong, but I can't explain how. :mellow: 'my hand is broke some'? Ok, so it keeps the rhyme but it just sounds lame. Also, 'jacking'. Every source I check defines it as lifting something up, but I don't see anything about it meaning to hit someone? Personally, I'd scrap these two lines and put something better in. His friends successfully pull me off, but by then its to late.
Next time he will patiently talk it out and wait,
Before he unleashes his anger and in turn somones violent hate,
He's in intensive care, I bandage my wrist, anit it great? Not sure if deliberate or a mistake, but you missed the apostrophe in the first line - should be "it's" or "it is". Also, completely different number of syllables (15,12,17,14) which seems out of place with the rest of the place. How does this sound? His friends pull me off, but by then it is too late.
Maybe next time he'll talk it out calmy and wait
'fore unleashing his anger; in-turn someones hate,
He's in intensive care, I bandage my wrist, great? Which to me gives all the same length... although mabye better to shorten the first and third lines? Just my suggestions, feel free to ignore them if you don't like them, and well done for the first four parts.  |
|
|
|
« Last Edit: November 13, 2003, 07:23:21 PM by SS »
|
Logged
|
Peter 'SpectralShadows' Boughton,
Seeker of Perfection, BPsite Sitelord.
Till shade is gone, till water is gone, into the Shadow with teeth bared, screaming
defiance with the last breath, to spit in the Sightblinder's eye on the Last Day.
|
|
|
|
Drauka
|
|
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2003, 11:01:02 PM » |
|
Changes made.
(That was the first draft, wrote it after I got my nose broke a few days ago)
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Signature:
I am;
A Labourless Peasant, (Damning, Rambling, Aspiring, Unenlightening, King of Anything)
A Masked Faceless, (Diabolical Reliable Assassin of the Underworld, Knowledgeable in the mimickable Arts.)
A Soldier of Sand, Deplorable and Dutiful. Rugged yet Refined. United, and Undeniable. Austere yet Amendable. Kind, and Kingly. Arduous yet Amiable.
A General of the Fallen Legion, (I led my forces into the Deep, we Ran to Assault the Undefeated Keep. Admirably my men crashed like a wave to a ship. the ground shook with our marching and caused me to slip. I fell and later I began to wake. the ground again began to shake, but this time every one fell... Into the Lord’s precipice of hell, here I am damned to forever fall into the abyss.)
A King of the Fallen Nation, (Death stalks his murky streets. Rats run rampant to their Abundant feasts. The Undead stalk the boarders at night. the King, though fallen, has yet to be defeated in a fight. No nation dares intrude upon the unrelenting king. For they fear the horrors his merciless wrath would bring. People fear to leave his nation, and also to Arrive. But his people are just as relentless and resialiant, they strive to survive.) “The Nation of Steel Will Never Yield.”
An Emperor [span style=\'color:green\']of the Anarchists, (Dispiteous Reaper of Atrocion, Underestimated Kaiser of Ambition)
A God [span style=\'color:green\']of the Faithless[/span], (Defiance, I will never allow. Reliance, I will never allow. Assurance, I will never give. Understanding, I will never give. Killing I will never explain. Always basking, in paradox.)
I am: The Dead, The Underworld, and Death.
I am... Drauka.
[/span]
-Remorse for there is naught left to remorse for.
-We are the metaphorical whores of a new generaltion.
-Again metaphors that means people sit silent and still.
-Ah, this life is just my chessboard, and you are just my pawn.
-Feel the fucking fire rise, up and above and past your eyes.
Jason H. Fredricks'
|
|
|
|
SS
|
|
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2003, 12:56:25 AM » |
|
Cool, and ouch... how's your nose now?
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Peter 'SpectralShadows' Boughton,
Seeker of Perfection, BPsite Sitelord.
Till shade is gone, till water is gone, into the Shadow with teeth bared, screaming
defiance with the last breath, to spit in the Sightblinder's eye on the Last Day.
|
|
|
|
Drauka
|
|
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2003, 01:42:33 AM » |
|
My nose is fine... its my hand that hurts. I never broke a handbone before. makes typeing a whole neew experiance |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Signature:
I am;
A Labourless Peasant, (Damning, Rambling, Aspiring, Unenlightening, King of Anything)
A Masked Faceless, (Diabolical Reliable Assassin of the Underworld, Knowledgeable in the mimickable Arts.)
A Soldier of Sand, Deplorable and Dutiful. Rugged yet Refined. United, and Undeniable. Austere yet Amendable. Kind, and Kingly. Arduous yet Amiable.
A General of the Fallen Legion, (I led my forces into the Deep, we Ran to Assault the Undefeated Keep. Admirably my men crashed like a wave to a ship. the ground shook with our marching and caused me to slip. I fell and later I began to wake. the ground again began to shake, but this time every one fell... Into the Lord’s precipice of hell, here I am damned to forever fall into the abyss.)
A King of the Fallen Nation, (Death stalks his murky streets. Rats run rampant to their Abundant feasts. The Undead stalk the boarders at night. the King, though fallen, has yet to be defeated in a fight. No nation dares intrude upon the unrelenting king. For they fear the horrors his merciless wrath would bring. People fear to leave his nation, and also to Arrive. But his people are just as relentless and resialiant, they strive to survive.) “The Nation of Steel Will Never Yield.”
An Emperor [span style=\'color:green\']of the Anarchists, (Dispiteous Reaper of Atrocion, Underestimated Kaiser of Ambition)
A God [span style=\'color:green\']of the Faithless[/span], (Defiance, I will never allow. Reliance, I will never allow. Assurance, I will never give. Understanding, I will never give. Killing I will never explain. Always basking, in paradox.)
I am: The Dead, The Underworld, and Death.
I am... Drauka.
[/span]
-Remorse for there is naught left to remorse for.
-We are the metaphorical whores of a new generaltion.
-Again metaphors that means people sit silent and still.
-Ah, this life is just my chessboard, and you are just my pawn.
-Feel the fucking fire rise, up and above and past your eyes.
Jason H. Fredricks'
|
|
|
|
FragMaster1972
|
|
« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2003, 09:09:08 AM » |
|
I like it that doesn't do it justice. Actually, I think its really good. But....is that actually what happened to your hand/nose? Exaggerated version? Totally unrelated? :blink:
|
|
|
|
« Last Edit: November 14, 2003, 09:10:10 AM by FragMaster1972 »
|
Logged
|
1 posts to [span style=\'font-size:30pt;line-height:100%\'][/s]BURSEG!!![/u][/size][/span][/b] "If you ever find yourself on the side of the Majority, it's time to pause and reflect." -Mark Twain[/color]  |
|
|
|
Drauka
|
|
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2003, 03:02:05 AM » |
|
Well IRL:
I didn't slash my wrist open,
I wasnt lifted from the ground when he hit my nose,
After his friends pulled me off of him, they thrashed me pretty bad with kicks,
I dont know for a fact if hes in intenstive care.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Signature:
I am;
A Labourless Peasant, (Damning, Rambling, Aspiring, Unenlightening, King of Anything)
A Masked Faceless, (Diabolical Reliable Assassin of the Underworld, Knowledgeable in the mimickable Arts.)
A Soldier of Sand, Deplorable and Dutiful. Rugged yet Refined. United, and Undeniable. Austere yet Amendable. Kind, and Kingly. Arduous yet Amiable.
A General of the Fallen Legion, (I led my forces into the Deep, we Ran to Assault the Undefeated Keep. Admirably my men crashed like a wave to a ship. the ground shook with our marching and caused me to slip. I fell and later I began to wake. the ground again began to shake, but this time every one fell... Into the Lord’s precipice of hell, here I am damned to forever fall into the abyss.)
A King of the Fallen Nation, (Death stalks his murky streets. Rats run rampant to their Abundant feasts. The Undead stalk the boarders at night. the King, though fallen, has yet to be defeated in a fight. No nation dares intrude upon the unrelenting king. For they fear the horrors his merciless wrath would bring. People fear to leave his nation, and also to Arrive. But his people are just as relentless and resialiant, they strive to survive.) “The Nation of Steel Will Never Yield.”
An Emperor [span style=\'color:green\']of the Anarchists, (Dispiteous Reaper of Atrocion, Underestimated Kaiser of Ambition)
A God [span style=\'color:green\']of the Faithless[/span], (Defiance, I will never allow. Reliance, I will never allow. Assurance, I will never give. Understanding, I will never give. Killing I will never explain. Always basking, in paradox.)
I am: The Dead, The Underworld, and Death.
I am... Drauka.
[/span]
-Remorse for there is naught left to remorse for.
-We are the metaphorical whores of a new generaltion.
-Again metaphors that means people sit silent and still.
-Ah, this life is just my chessboard, and you are just my pawn.
-Feel the fucking fire rise, up and above and past your eyes.
Jason H. Fredricks'
|
|
|
|
Galmort
|
|
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2003, 03:51:39 AM » |
|
uggh, drauka, how many threads have you started? plenty, and they all require reading long things in the begining :angry:  |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
FragMaster1972
|
|
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2003, 04:24:25 AM » |
|
well rug closed his last thread. he was told to start a new one. and I dont think hes started that many.......has he? :huh:
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
1 posts to [span style=\'font-size:30pt;line-height:100%\'][/s]BURSEG!!![/u][/size][/span][/b] "If you ever find yourself on the side of the Majority, it's time to pause and reflect." -Mark Twain[/color] |
|
|
|
Filran
|
|
« Reply #9 on: November 16, 2003, 02:12:46 AM » |
|
Its alright. The rhyming of it makes me either go into giggle fits because I start to think about a carrot poking out someone's eye (don't ask), or raise my brow. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Too hot to handle, too cold to hold.
Member of TGA for five years! Joined Feb 1st, 2003
|
|
|
|
matt_the_shark
|
|
« Reply #10 on: November 16, 2003, 02:36:39 AM » |
|
it's great. i like it, and it looks better now that the changes are made  |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Drauka
|
|
« Reply #11 on: November 16, 2003, 03:44:20 AM » |
|
This is the first since rug closed.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Signature:
I am;
A Labourless Peasant, (Damning, Rambling, Aspiring, Unenlightening, King of Anything)
A Masked Faceless, (Diabolical Reliable Assassin of the Underworld, Knowledgeable in the mimickable Arts.)
A Soldier of Sand, Deplorable and Dutiful. Rugged yet Refined. United, and Undeniable. Austere yet Amendable. Kind, and Kingly. Arduous yet Amiable.
A General of the Fallen Legion, (I led my forces into the Deep, we Ran to Assault the Undefeated Keep. Admirably my men crashed like a wave to a ship. the ground shook with our marching and caused me to slip. I fell and later I began to wake. the ground again began to shake, but this time every one fell... Into the Lord’s precipice of hell, here I am damned to forever fall into the abyss.)
A King of the Fallen Nation, (Death stalks his murky streets. Rats run rampant to their Abundant feasts. The Undead stalk the boarders at night. the King, though fallen, has yet to be defeated in a fight. No nation dares intrude upon the unrelenting king. For they fear the horrors his merciless wrath would bring. People fear to leave his nation, and also to Arrive. But his people are just as relentless and resialiant, they strive to survive.) “The Nation of Steel Will Never Yield.”
An Emperor [span style=\'color:green\']of the Anarchists, (Dispiteous Reaper of Atrocion, Underestimated Kaiser of Ambition)
A God [span style=\'color:green\']of the Faithless[/span], (Defiance, I will never allow. Reliance, I will never allow. Assurance, I will never give. Understanding, I will never give. Killing I will never explain. Always basking, in paradox.)
I am: The Dead, The Underworld, and Death.
I am... Drauka.
[/span]
-Remorse for there is naught left to remorse for.
-We are the metaphorical whores of a new generaltion.
-Again metaphors that means people sit silent and still.
-Ah, this life is just my chessboard, and you are just my pawn.
-Feel the fucking fire rise, up and above and past your eyes.
Jason H. Fredricks'
|
|
|
|
FragMaster1972
|
|
« Reply #12 on: November 16, 2003, 08:01:50 AM » |
|
one thing though. whats with the wrist slicing bit? I mean I see no reason why someone who's about to be in a fight would slit his wrists beforehand, it seems somehow out of place.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
1 posts to [span style=\'font-size:30pt;line-height:100%\'][/s]BURSEG!!![/u][/size][/span][/b] "If you ever find yourself on the side of the Majority, it's time to pause and reflect." -Mark Twain[/color] |
|
|
|
Perdition
|
|
« Reply #13 on: November 16, 2003, 08:18:17 AM » |
|
yeah really. you may slit your wrists afterwords but not before. you want all the strength you can have to kick this persons ass
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Saladin
|
|
« Reply #14 on: November 16, 2003, 02:45:14 PM » |
|
maybe u just want to freak him out by showing u can take a hell of a lotta pain
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I have become Death; destroyer of worlds.
--J. Robert Oppenheimer upon witnessing the explosion of the first atomic bomb [/font]
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light
--Plato [/font]
|
|
|
|
