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Author Topic: fuck the world  (Read 28698 times)
evilknight
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« on: March 31, 2004, 06:08:48 AM »

*sigh*
i think my life is seriously reaching a new all-time low.  right now, my mom is sitting outside, crying over the fact that her father, my grandfather, is slowly dieing of cancer, and there's nothing we can do about it.
my asshole of a dad is out with another women somewhere, blowing all the money he can spare, and some that my mom and i cant spare, and there's nothing we can do about that.
my brother and my sister and complete morons who know next to nothing about the present situation, and are constantly trying to cause trouble, and there's nothing i can do about that.
and no matter what, no FUCKING matter what, whenever anybody has a problem, they always think they can come lay it on chad.  friends, family, whatever, im just a stupid fuckin idiot that everybody thinks they can talk to. well fuck them.  i have my own problems, and i'm fucking sick of taking care of everybody else.
this is all just part of that cycle i talked about a long time ago.

you see, about a month or so ago, i nearly killed somebody.  the very idea that i was capable of something like that, which went against everything i was ever told being brought up, nearly caused me to commit suicide.  it was then that i realized, that even if i didnt kill myself then, that i would just circle around, and the order of events would start all over again.  so now, here i stand, once again asking myself the question: what do i really have to live for?  when i count it up, i really dont see much.  I see fun, I see my family, and I see my school friends, as well as you guys. so im really not seeing much here.

fuck, and now my mom's yelling at me. ever since my mom and dad split, ive been trying to convince my mom to either be sure to make smart choices, or just forget men because i dont think any man could be trusted, let alone be good enough for my mom.  and now, she's yelling at me, because im standing on the 2nd floor, looking down out onto the back porch to make sure nothing happens, because she and her "friend" ed are out there, and they're both drunk.  after all ive done to help her, she has the nerve to start yelling at me? hell, i fucking saved her ass from my dad when he went berserk, and now she's just gonna turn around and repay me like this? well fuck that. ive learned one thing from all my problems, and that is this:
Trust Your Friends.
You guys have been the only continuing, unchanging thing in my life for the past year. and while it might not seem like a lot to you all, i seriously dont know what i would do without you all.  i mean, whenever i have a problem, i can always (great, now im fucking crying, this just makes my day) i can always go into irc and talk to somebody, and cheer myself up.
i guess i just wanted to say thanks for being there for me all this time, even if you didnt realize what that was you were doing.
and im not sure about this, but i think, in a totally heterosexual way, that i love you guys like my own brothers and sisters. because with my family in shambles, you guys are the closest thing to a real family ive ever seriously had.
*sigh*
thank you
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HaHa. This post cost SS .5 cents! So Sayeth the Evilknight.
Hmmm. The court will take a 15 minute recess to fix the judicial...bench...thingy. ~Ethan
Perdition
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« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2004, 06:25:48 AM »

*hugs evil* hang in there you.  it'll get better Smiley
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evilknight
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« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2004, 06:43:14 AM »

no it wont. it's just going to get worse and worse, and then it might get just a little bit better, and then everything will just plummet again, and ill be right back where i started.
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HaHa. This post cost SS .5 cents! So Sayeth the Evilknight.
Hmmm. The court will take a 15 minute recess to fix the judicial...bench...thingy. ~Ethan
underruler
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« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2004, 06:44:56 AM »

*offers Evil a fresh batch of cookies and then rubs his shoulders* Smiley

yea what Fire said. . .things *eventually* get better sometimes it takes a while and then other times you can see differences (/me doesn't know whether this helps or not)
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evilknight
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« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2004, 06:46:57 AM »

thanks guys.
it sort of helps, and it sort of doesnt.
it helps in that it's nice to know that some people out there care for my wellbeing.
but it doesnt help in that i still know that one day ill just be right back here again.
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HaHa. This post cost SS .5 cents! So Sayeth the Evilknight.
Hmmm. The court will take a 15 minute recess to fix the judicial...bench...thingy. ~Ethan
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« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2004, 06:50:39 AM »

It's like this one thing that I wrote in my journal where I said that it's just the same cycle sometimes.  It's up and down and it gets tiring after a while, but at the same time it wouldn't be life it there weren't loops to ride...sometimes they are bad where you want to throw up and then sometimes they are the fun ones. yea...things...
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evilknight
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« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2004, 07:04:05 AM »

i cant remember that last time i just had fun.
im always either helping my mom, or helping my friends with their problems.
you know how often my friends or my mom have helped me with my problems? never.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2004, 07:07:42 AM by evilknight » Logged


HaHa. This post cost SS .5 cents! So Sayeth the Evilknight.
Hmmm. The court will take a 15 minute recess to fix the judicial...bench...thingy. ~Ethan
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« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2004, 01:46:41 PM »

*hugs Evil* March and this year just don't have a nice outlook lately, do they? >.< Just know, alot of times in life, moreso with people you can be around when not on the computer, tend to be focused on one's self. They want everyone else to focus upon their problems. If they find you helping, they will keep coming for the attention, even if it is unconsious. Try going to your friends and saying, "I've helped you get through some of your problems, think you can help me with mine?" If they refuse, tell them they might have trouble getting assitance from you, seeing as they are so willing to recieve, and yet not willing to give. With your mother, you might have to get drastic, and you may end up fighting with her. If she can't act like the adult, you might have to act the adult in her place, which is no fun at all. But if you see alchohol in the fridge, and you know its your mothers, perhaps pour some out, and water it down. If she can't get out of the ditch, you may have to try to get her some assistance, no matter how much I hate couselors, you may hate them, or she hates them. If she can't pull out of this, she needs help from a professional to get her life in order; and that may take you intervening. Also, if she seems alcoholic, or close to there, try to send her to AA, or get her on an alcoholic hotline.

And don't try to kill yourself. Think of what happens if you survive? -shudders- Really, just carry something with you, so that when you get angry, you can kick its ass. Be that a stupid squishy ball, some paper, or some other thing you know you could easily take out some rage on without hurting people. And, don't kill people Evil. Its not nice, even more so when you fail, you get sued, or you attack during school hours and you get three day in-school suspention.

How is your dad getting the money from you and your mom? If its through a bank account, you might have to close that one, take out the money, and put it in a new one that he doesn't know of.


Evil, if I lived in your area, and had a phonebook, I'd probably give you a crisis hotline. They are pretty much there for you to talk about all your problems with complete ananomity. I've got two hotlines here for myself, but, I don't think they'd work much for you, considering one is in Vermont. The other is a 800 line. I could send you both, if you wanted.

I don't know what else to say, sorry Evil. >.<
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Arahen
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« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2004, 02:25:12 PM »

'there is always sunshine after rain?'
*huggles evil* that sucks >.>
If thers nothing you can do bout stuff you can only hope it to get better :/ or you can somehow try to solve things even if you cant solve them so that its useless to try but it can make you feel better? :/ ehh..ignore me and just eat loads of cookies, then youll get sick coz of eating to much cookies, then you can blame me for it and be happy..:/ ehm..ignoreme  
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i am a girl so...
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« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2004, 03:56:10 PM »

Can't add much to what's already been said, so I'll just offer you more cookies and support. Smiley

Oh and I find killing things in games makes me less likely to want to do it in real life, so play plenty of UT2004 and other violent stuff... and like Fil said... get something to hit. Smiley
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Peter 'SpectralShadows' Boughton,
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« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2004, 04:27:26 PM »

honored, just shout for anything i can give you

thats also in a hetero way
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CLEAN?
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rite ive declared u imorally peasant like
evilknight
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« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2004, 09:57:22 PM »

man, it's nice to know that people actually care.
also, i was up late plotting stuff with frag, so i tried the sleep in and miss school, but my mom got on my case, so i told her to fuck off. then i got my ass outta bed, and she left for work. then, as i was about to leave, she called and started threatening me with what was going to happen if i didnt go to school.
i then proceeded to tell her to fuck off and shut the fuck up, and to not bother talking to me, fucker. after which, i hung up on her.
that being said, if i stop showing up, it's not because i killed myself, it's because my mom hit the computer with a baseball bat.
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HaHa. This post cost SS .5 cents! So Sayeth the Evilknight.
Hmmm. The court will take a 15 minute recess to fix the judicial...bench...thingy. ~Ethan
Galmort
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« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2004, 10:26:42 PM »

of course we do evil. you're a good guy. i didn't want to read the long stuff that everyone else posted but i read yours and even though you swore a lot which throws me off Tongue jk, you're obviously a really good guy. you can count on us, because i know we could count on you, and do....so thank you too.
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evilknight
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« Reply #13 on: March 31, 2004, 10:39:21 PM »

well, right now im considering stealing as much money as i can, along with food, and this computer, and going off on teh road. im sick of this place, and i need to get out. so at some point in the middle of some night im going to sneak out, pack up my jeep, and leave.
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HaHa. This post cost SS .5 cents! So Sayeth the Evilknight.
Hmmm. The court will take a 15 minute recess to fix the judicial...bench...thingy. ~Ethan
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« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2004, 10:41:06 PM »

Shocked , pack a lot, i know we probably can't talk you down so be safe. Wink  
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