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*sigh*
i think my life is seriously reaching a new all-time low.  right now, my mom is sitting outside, crying over the fact that her father, my grandfather, is slowly dieing of cancer, and there's nothing we can do about it.
my asshole of a dad is out with another women somewhere, blowing all the money he can spare, and some that my mom and i cant spare, and there's nothing we can do about that.
my brother and my sister and complete morons who know next to nothing about the present situation, and are constantly trying to cause trouble, and there's nothing i can do about that.
and no matter what, no FUCKING matter what, whenever anybody has a problem, they always think they can come lay it on chad.  friends, family, whatever, im just a stupid fuckin idiot that everybody thinks they can talk to. well fuck them.  i have my own problems, and i'm fucking sick of taking care of everybody else.
this is all just part of that cycle i talked about a long time ago.

you see, about a month or so ago, i nearly killed somebody.  the very idea that i was capable of something like that, which went against everything i was ever told being brought up, nearly caused me to commit suicide.  it was then that i realized, that even if i didnt kill myself then, that i would just circle around, and the order of events would start all over again.  so now, here i stand, once again asking myself the question: what do i really have to live for?  when i count it up, i really dont see much.  I see fun, I see my family, and I see my school friends, as well as you guys. so im really not seeing much here.

fuck, and now my mom's yelling at me. ever since my mom and dad split, ive been trying to convince my mom to either be sure to make smart choices, or just forget men because i dont think any man could be trusted, let alone be good enough for my mom.  and now, she's yelling at me, because im standing on the 2nd floor, looking down out onto the back porch to make sure nothing happens, because she and her "friend" ed are out there, and they're both drunk.  after all ive done to help her, she has the nerve to start yelling at me? hell, i fucking saved her ass from my dad when he went berserk, and now she's just gonna turn around and repay me like this? well fuck that. ive learned one thing from all my problems, and that is this:
Trust Your Friends.
You guys have been the only continuing, unchanging thing in my life for the past year. and while it might not seem like a lot to you all, i seriously dont know what i would do without you all.  i mean, whenever i have a problem, i can always (great, now im fucking crying, this just makes my day) i can always go into irc and talk to somebody, and cheer myself up.
i guess i just wanted to say thanks for being there for me all this time, even if you didnt realize what that was you were doing.
and im not sure about this, but i think, in a totally heterosexual way, that i love you guys like my own brothers and sisters. because with my family in shambles, you guys are the closest thing to a real family ive ever seriously had.
*sigh*
thank you

*hugs evil* hang in there you.  it'll get better :)

no it wont. it's just going to get worse and worse, and then it might get just a little bit better, and then everything will just plummet again, and ill be right back where i started.

*offers Evil a fresh batch of cookies and then rubs his shoulders* :)

yea what Fire said. . .things *eventually* get better sometimes it takes a while and then other times you can see differences (/me doesn't know whether this helps or not)

thanks guys.
it sort of helps, and it sort of doesnt.
it helps in that it's nice to know that some people out there care for my wellbeing.
but it doesnt help in that i still know that one day ill just be right back here again.

It's like this one thing that I wrote in my journal where I said that it's just the same cycle sometimes.  It's up and down and it gets tiring after a while, but at the same time it wouldn't be life it there weren't loops to ride...sometimes they are bad where you want to throw up and then sometimes they are the fun ones. yea...things...

i cant remember that last time i just had fun.
im always either helping my mom, or helping my friends with their problems.
you know how often my friends or my mom have helped me with my problems? never.

*hugs Evil* March and this year just don't have a nice outlook lately, do they? >.< Just know, alot of times in life, moreso with people you can be around when not on the computer, tend to be focused on one's self. They want everyone else to focus upon their problems. If they find you helping, they will keep coming for the attention, even if it is unconsious. Try going to your friends and saying, "I've helped you get through some of your problems, think you can help me with mine?" If they refuse, tell them they might have trouble getting assitance from you, seeing as they are so willing to recieve, and yet not willing to give. With your mother, you might have to get drastic, and you may end up fighting with her. If she can't act like the adult, you might have to act the adult in her place, which is no fun at all. But if you see alchohol in the fridge, and you know its your mothers, perhaps pour some out, and water it down. If she can't get out of the ditch, you may have to try to get her some assistance, no matter how much I hate couselors, you may hate them, or she hates them. If she can't pull out of this, she needs help from a professional to get her life in order; and that may take you intervening. Also, if she seems alcoholic, or close to there, try to send her to AA, or get her on an alcoholic hotline.

And don't try to kill yourself. Think of what happens if you survive? -shudders- Really, just carry something with you, so that when you get angry, you can kick its ass. Be that a stupid squishy ball, some paper, or some other thing you know you could easily take out some rage on without hurting people. And, don't kill people Evil. Its not nice, even more so when you fail, you get sued, or you attack during school hours and you get three day in-school suspention.

How is your dad getting the money from you and your mom? If its through a bank account, you might have to close that one, take out the money, and put it in a new one that he doesn't know of.


Evil, if I lived in your area, and had a phonebook, I'd probably give you a crisis hotline. They are pretty much there for you to talk about all your problems with complete ananomity. I've got two hotlines here for myself, but, I don't think they'd work much for you, considering one is in Vermont. The other is a 800 line. I could send you both, if you wanted.

I don't know what else to say, sorry Evil. >.<

'there is always sunshine after rain?'
*huggles evil* that sucks >.>
If thers nothing you can do bout stuff you can only hope it to get better :/ or you can somehow try to solve things even if you cant solve them so that its useless to try but it can make you feel better? :/ ehh..ignore me and just eat loads of cookies, then youll get sick coz of eating to much cookies, then you can blame me for it and be happy..:/ ehm..ignoreme  

Can't add much to what's already been said, so I'll just offer you more cookies and support. :)

Oh and I find killing things in games makes me less likely to want to do it in real life, so play plenty of UT2004 and other violent stuff... and like Fil said... get something to hit. :)

honored, just shout for anything i can give you

thats also in a hetero way

man, it's nice to know that people actually care.
also, i was up late plotting stuff with frag, so i tried the sleep in and miss school, but my mom got on my case, so i told her to fuck off. then i got my ass outta bed, and she left for work. then, as i was about to leave, she called and started threatening me with what was going to happen if i didnt go to school.
i then proceeded to tell her to fuck off and shut the fuck up, and to not bother talking to me, fucker. after which, i hung up on her.
that being said, if i stop showing up, it's not because i killed myself, it's because my mom hit the computer with a baseball bat.

of course we do evil. you're a good guy. i didn't want to read the long stuff that everyone else posted but i read yours and even though you swore a lot which throws me off :P jk, you're obviously a really good guy. you can count on us, because i know we could count on you, and do....so thank you too.

well, right now im considering stealing as much money as i can, along with food, and this computer, and going off on teh road. im sick of this place, and i need to get out. so at some point in the middle of some night im going to sneak out, pack up my jeep, and leave.

:o , pack a lot, i know we probably can't talk you down so be safe. ;)  

well, ill need at least a month or so to get ready.
first, i have to find where my mom hid my jeep keys. she took them after i was caught skipping school.
then, ill just start hoarding food, and stop spending my lunch money.
after that, ill just load up the jeep one night, and im off.
ill just find some cheap work on the road.

Perhaps, if you do that, hang out at some shelters for a brief time, or go to the closest friend's house that your mom doesn't know of, but, of course, with the friend's parents permission. Perhaps even stay up there for a while, live in your car, get a job, and then maybe get an apartment. If during those years you don't get to finish school, try to find an opportunity to get a highschool equivalency test, or find some way to get taught in the meantime. Cause, then you can go to college, earn you a degree, and get more money from better jobs. Or something...


That just made me think...
"What am I to wake up suddenly and then
enroll at the local college
earn me a degree
and I could work weekends." Pardon the digression.

hmm, im actually considering traveling up and down the east coast, just finding work as i can get it.
also, it would give me the chance to perhaps meet some of you guys as i went on.
the only problem is that, if i got caught, id be in serious trouble. first off, my mom would most likely report the jeep as stolen. then, there would be the fact that i was driving on my own, out of state, in a stolen car, with only my permit.
but im fairly sure that i wont get caught.
also, frag gave me the idea of taking off my plates before getting gas, and then driving off for about a mile or so, then putting the plates back on. free gas. :)  

Is the jeep yours? Because if it is, you can't 'steal it.' And, if you ARE 16, you CAN leave the house. It is legal to be on your own at 16, and having left your parents.

no, im only 15, ill be 16 in june. and the jeep is in my dad's name

ok, now i seriously cant stand my mom. she just wont get off my case.
im gonna have to step forward runnin off to within the next week or two, possibly this weekend perhaps.
in all seriousness, would anybody consider letting me drop by for a night? even though im going to have the jeep to sleep in, it'll get uncomfortable after a while.
i currently only have 15 dollars and about a third of a tank of gas. so first thing's first, i need to come into some money. as much as i can find. im going to definatly start looking around the house for anything i can get, and the next time my mom goes out, ill check her room for anything i can get. hopefully i wont need to check her room until friday, since ill probably leave on saturday.
ill stock up on what food i can spare, and ill definatly get as much water as i can get.  the main limiter here is going to be money for gas. but hopefully i can go to some big store and see if they need any oddjobs done around the place, and that should help make me a few dollars.

I really can't add anything to giving condolences to you because I don't do that stuff very well online. On GUA(when i actually did post there) whenever there was a condolence thread i'd say sorry and then wonder who they were.

But you're a friend so i actually care about you and no offence to anyone here but i've always felt that you can't really say your true condolences online. Just remember that you're in my thoughts and if you need anything i'm there for you.

I think they'd expect you to go south so go north instead. especially since we're all up here

Oh yeah and don't forget to take the computer because otherwise they'd look at all the sites you went to for clues and they'd see all of this

I know a kid in Jersey who'd help you out. I for sure can't although i'd come out and visit.  

yeah. ill have to do that.
so i am in need of two things now.
1. a place to go to.
2. something to do once i get there.

i know that im definatly not going to start out by going to a big city. im actually considering going up to vermont. im pretty sure fil once said that her town was fairly small.

so i'm out(besides a white boy in Harlem would stick out) my friend lives in a smallish town(6,000). But i don't think you'd have much to do there(they're all rich bastards) so i think Fil's town is the way to go

But what about your mom? Don't you think this might push her over the edge or would she care?

i know longer care wether she cares or not.
she brought this upon herself.

aite, so we have towns in Vermont and Jersey you could go too. Any other places?

not as of yet.
however, i just had a "special" talk with my brother about me running off. i "accidently" let it slip that i was going south, towards florida. so hopefully, they'll be running around down there while i make a trip up towards vermont. i suppose, eventually, at least after i turn 21, i could take a high school sort of thing, and then i could go to college, maybe get a degree in something in computers.
plus, fil hasnt even said id be welcome there. but worse comes to worse, id go anyways and just avoid her.
all im seriously in need of after i leave will be some friends to talk to, a place to chill, and a cheap job

you can trust your bro to not tell your mom before you go?

im counting on my brother telling my mom eventually. that'll send them in the wrong direction.
also, he said he'd donate what little money he has (10 dollars) to help me go.

Alright. House is a bit sloppy, but, hopefully by the time you get here it'll be in shape, or warm out so we could camp in the backyard. Also, if you manage to get some more money, if you wanted to not stay inside town, theres a small inn just outside it called the Paw House. Only hotel/Inn the place has, unless you go to Rutland which I wouldn't recommend. Take note, Vermont is very, very boring, but there are lots of places to sit around and think. We've got some quarries to swim in if anyone gets the courage, a river, and a swamp. There are a few apartment buildings too, if you deside to take up temporary residence. Hey, you could also on the trip to Vermont stop by everyone in New York, and give them a howdy. Though, there aren't many jobs intown that I know of, so you'd probably have to work in Rutland.

Its small as in about 2000 people, 211 families, average 3.2 people per family I believe. Theres maybe 30 roads at most. Possibly even 20. :P I don't think anyone but me and my family would know you either; or recognise you if you get on some missing thing.

oh my god oh my god oh my god! i could actually pull this off now. sad part is that, sense i dont have a high school degree yet, most places outside of fast food probably wouldnt hire me. fil, you and i will need to have a little talk at some point on eithe irc or aim.
my computer cant do msn.
im evilknight4002
in fact, im on right now in the #koctga channel on irc and on aim, so either one now or a little later would rock.

if you need any help stop by NYC or Jersey and I'll give you some cash. Talk to me too on AIM for any help with dodging cops or making your way up if you need it. I'm dryholla113 on AIM

Well, Rutland has two McDonalds, a Wendy's, a Friendly's, a Burger King, a Denny's, a Ponderosa, convience stores a plenty, theres a job at WalMart, or the 'Super K', Price Chopper in Rutland or West Rutland, any job at West Rutland pretty much, and a few other things. Depending on when you get here, it may be warm or cold. So if you feel like sleeping in a tent in the backyard, its best to bring a sleeping bag. We've got a few, so we could probably find one and let you borrow it. The old mattresses are all horrible though so I don't think we'd loan them. :P Right now, its pitchblack, and 7:45, and its 39 degrees out, which is rather kinda brisk. If you get here, and its 50 degrees, and you see people in shorts, t-shirts, or tank tops, be aware it is spring in vermont, and warm compaired to winter. Its rain and mud season too. We've only really got two beds because the house is small, but if its really really needed and you can't sleep in the jeep, we could probably set up the Bronco for it. Unless you wanted to try the floors? :P I'll try to figure out where to move the extra stuff incase you wanna spend the night in the house. But, beware, we've got alot of cats. x.x And we can't really trust them to go outside, so hopefully you aren't allergic. We've got a dog, a snake, and a bird as well, so hopefully you aren't allergic to those either. The medicine cabininate mirror is broken, and stuff. xD The bathroom door doesn't lock, so usually when the door is closed without a sock in it, we're well aware that someone is in there. Just warning you ahead of time.  

I'd be glad to help out. let me know when youll be near. I'll be working overnights, so I should be free during the afternoon (sleepin in the morn though). Oh, and you might want to consider trading in your computer for a laptop at a small local store and ask em to transfer all your files. itd be more portable / take up less space and im sure you could find plenty of access points near any decent sized city. and if youre willing to work at a walmart/kmart type place....they start at 7 or 8 an hour i think. not too bad.

=/ good luck and stuff,  and if you ever come to the netherlandsi can help ya ^^
going to your dad isnt an option?  :unsure:  

ehm are you sure about running off? cause even though i'm sure you're having a hard time, couldn't you just stay at home (possibly just in your own room) and just don't really care about anything else going on around there? cause not finishing school would probably only make things worse... don't let your family screw it up for you...
and have you ever really asked your friends for help? cause if you really are in trouble you shouldn't even give them a chance to say no to you...
really i don't want to spoil it for you but going out all alone might be the worst thing to do... you haven't got any other family (uncle or something) who has no problems on their own and seem to be normal (preferably people who raised kid(s) theirselves so they know that they shouldn't bother you much if you don't come to them)

anyways it's just an opinion, ignore me if this only makes things worse for you... just take care of yourself and do no irreversible stupid things

I only just read this thread, and I really wish I had read it earlyer now...
For some reason, even though I had nothing to do with any of it, I feel really bad..

A freind of mine had some trouble with her Parents, so she moved in with her Grandparents for a while, im not sure if she is still there or back at home now.

I hope it all goes well, if you ever get enough money and are desperate to leave, emmigrate to the UK, you would be welcome here, we are all nice people. :)

Again, I hope it all goes well, and keep in touch.

If your serious about this, make sure to cover your tracks as much as possible...
The Florida thing was a great idea, but im sure that it wouldnt hugely hard to find you, asking around and they could follow the jeep...

But thats only over here, im not sure how hard it would be in a big place like America.

hmmm mebbe you should call you brother every once in a while if you're really planning to take off tho...
mebbe it will be the thing that'll make your mother realise she has to change things in her life and mebbe she would recon that you were right and i think it'd be a pity if  you wouldn't know about it then...
or just mail him so he defenitely can't track you down...

Post is as easy to track as phone calls, you guys have postage stamps right? On the back? Showing the place it was posted from....

i meant email  :P nobody uses normal mail anymore these days ;)  

we have stamps...but it doesn't say where it's from.  IF you write a return address on it then that's the only way methinks...


his dad is the start of all of the trouble...and they live in the same house anyway...

I meant stamps not stamps...

Big rubber stamps that go in ink, then press onto the letter to show youve paid for it to be posted and that the stamp (real stamp) isnt valid anymore.

no, my dad moved out about two months ago, but id rather live in a cardboard box than live with him.
anyways, i think i may have thunk up a plan. and assuming fil thinks it's a good idea, ill run with it.
first off, no matter how bad things get here, i am going to finish this year of school. that gives me half the required credits for a high school diploma. also, it will give me time to start saving up money and get my jeep fixed. (windshield is cracked, i think something's wrong with the alternator, the engine's been acting underpowered lately, and it needs new tires.)
anyways, im going to act like i give a care in my family, and hopefully be able to get actual permission to go to that convention in pensylvainia (or however you spell it). then, if fil goes like she was planning to, and she agrees to all this, i could follow her and her dad to their town.
i mean, who knows? depending on what kind of job i could find there, and how much money i save up by then, i might could find a small little apartment there. :)  

why not just get your GED and save yourself the trouble of school? you could probably pull it off I've heard its not that hard.

GED? never heard of that before. :(
edit:nvm, i just found out. :P  

very bad turn for the worst. i wont retype it, cause im rushed. here though, i sent this to fil"

I really need to get out of here now. Things went really really bad with my mom. I was forced to lock down the computer, and had to run out of the house because things got so bad.
I need to find my keys, and pack up whatever I can. Once I do, I'm leaving, if you still wouldnt mind me coming. I just need to get together whatever I can get money wise, and find the jeep keys. Hopefully, ill be able to convince my mom to give me back hte directions, so i can either take those or destroy them and get a new copy. please wish me luck.
chad
aka evilknight
im leaving, as soon as i can.
if anybody can help me, please tell me within 2 days. for those who want, know that id only be staying for one night, then moving on towards vermont. i cant afford to pay you anything now. but i swear to god that id find a way to pay you back.
if you can help, please pm me with where you live. if it's near my route, ill pm you back my cellphone number.
thank you.
 

Yikes. Um, obviously I can't help in any physical way, but if it's likely that this forum will be looked at then obviously this thread can be moved to somewhere secret to avoid your plans being uncovered. Uh, goodluck with whatever happens. :mellow:

Oh, why didn't I find this thread earlier?  I've been in almost exactly the same situation myself, except things didn't get quite so bad as that.

As SS said, good luck with whatever happens.

well then, all i need to do is find the jeep keys/hotwire the jeep and get another greenlight from filran, and then im set. but i have no clue as to where the jeep keys are, so im looking at the 2nd part.

find the keys if you can...wouldnt want someone swipin stuff from you at some rest area or anythin.

im taking the time to look for them now, as my mom will be out of the house until later tonight.

will you leave today if you find them?

yeah, tell us before you leave :unsure:


that's a postmark...

no. i wont leave immediatly, because fil has some things that she needs to take care of.
on a lighter note, i think i might have figured out how to hotwire my jeep. but my mom locked the door after she came home. so she either did it manually, or she has the keys with her. ill try to find a time to go through her purse later.

slimjims are easy to make if you just need to get in.....

nah, that's why i convinced my mom about 3 weeks ago that we needed to put the soft top on the jeep.
now if the door is locked, i can just take a window half way off and crawl in. :P
also, i tried yesterday, and it looks like that jeep would be really hard to hotwire. took off a few panels, just couldnt find what i was looking for.

bah. just search google. somebody can tell you how, im sure.

Frag. . .Slimjims?

I KNOW WHAT A SLIMJIM IS UHHUH.

i know that a slim jim is one of those beefsticks..but i don't think that's what frag meant...:unsure:

Is it a way to unlock a car from the outside?  :unsure:  

its a piece of metal that you can slip down between the door and the window and pull up the lock.

yea thats what the cops have so if you lock your keys in the car they can get them :)  

yep. theyre easy as all hell to make though. but they only work on locks that go up/down.  :(  

Are you speaking from personal experience?  LOL  

yep. i made one to break into my own car....you need a key to put the top up/down, so its easy to lock yorself out.  ;)

/me imagines locking self out of car

yeah, that'd suck bigtime :P
 

now imagine doin it in wintertime at 11 pm. :(  

Why not just call someone with a copy of the key?  :miffed:  

Most doors don't have the locking cable within the outer shell anymore; it's all inside the framework.  If it's one of those locks with a hexagonal key, cut a tennis ball in half, put it over the keyhole, and punch it.  Works like a charm.

Hooliganism aside, what's happening over your side of the world now, Evil?  Are things still just as bad?  Feel free to message me; as I said, I've had a very similar experience in the past.

well, im still stuck with just using the window as a way to get in.
right now, im laying low and acting nice so that my mom will eventually trust me and let me drive again.
then all i need is a green light from fil. :)  

damn, things have gotten even worse.
my mom now deems me as mentally unstable, because i don't listen to her. (and im a teenager, what are teh odds?) and she is now seriously looking into one of two options:
1) military school
2) a mental hospital
i have to get out of here. now. im just going to steal the money i need and try to catch a ride from a friend of mine.

jeez that looks bad

you seem to be more and more active ever since this thread evil...you've made 3 topics after saying you need to get out.. :huh:  

i really do need to get out.
however, i now have my mom completely believing that im not running away. we're in the "i leave you alone, you leave me alone" stage. but im still going to save up some money for a bus ticket to go to that convention in PA in late july.

What's the what then?  Any progress, either way?